The Clan-At My Wedding
You know how every family has a black sheep? Well, I’m kinda like the black cat of my clan. lol
Before I was old enough for my family to get a sense of exactly how eccentric I’d become, I got to be godmother to the cutest most cuddly wonderful little girl I ever did see. I dreamed about her before she was even born. In the dream i saw what she’d look like at age 4–i was BANG ON (of course 
I loved this little girl, ‘my favourite face’, so much in fact, that i drove every day from downtown toronto to nobleton just to watch her sleep, to feed her, to make her laugh. I’m glad i got all that baby time in, because shortly after, I moved far away and stayed away for several years–I needed to be free of the confines of my family to truly allow myself the freedom to evolve, and to embrace my spirit nature. Family will often always see you as the kid you used to be, and they can chain you to your mistakes, old patterns, choices, or their limiting perceptions of you, and they can chain you also to their limitations, and their narrow perceptions of reality & the world…distance is often needed–and like so many, I needed to ‘find myself’ and i soon learned, i can’t find what i didn’t lose….i just needed space and freedom to love/accept/become myself, and boy did i!
The older & more impressionable she got, the less time she was ‘exposed’ to me. I miss her terribly, but given that my activism and eccentric life pursuits so radically differ from the conservatism of my family, that choice is understandable. I figured i’d stay quietly in the shadows, and maybe in her early 20′s or 30′s if she ever decided to pursue a road less travelled, I’d be waiting to save the day when the shit hits the fan. lol I just keep affirming that I’m here if ever, whenever, for what ever–and i mean it. Same goes for my other god-children (and one is a conservative! imagine my grief!!! lol )
I’m a pretty intense woman, and she….well, she’s beautiful, but i may just be too intense for her just yet. But i figure, there is a reason i had to be a her godmother…its just too early to find out! So I wait. But i know in my bones that one day, my intensity will be a gift to her, and i will share it happily.
The other day her status was a fun “like my status and i’ll tell you what i think about you” type thing and for fun i liked it, not expecting much of an answer to be honest. i got her reply in a PM & i was so moved…so moved I couldn’t respond…i had to write about it. This is what she wrote:
1. you’re an INCREDIBLE artist based on all the pictures i’ve seen!!
2. like a bright blue on a sunny day (the colour i remind her of)
3. one of my first memories was when on friday nights i used to sleep over at nonnas and you were over and you were showing me your tattoo and then you put a pad in nonnas bathroom in case i ever got my period there (the pad is still there by the way)
4. a wolf (the animal i remind her of)
5. just general questions about your art and how long you’ve done it and why you started it, and what you do with it!! (what she’d like to ask me)
6. i love your art so much!!! i think your profile picture is soo cool, and i love how you express yourself through art!! (what she’d like to tell me)
7. sooo bad with nicknames, nothing could sum you up though!! (her nickname for me)
I thought I’d share my thoughts on her answers & answer #5 with everyone–as my goal is always transparency. I loathe secrets & believe privacy is obsolete. Sins are healed in the light!
1. its an honour she loves my art. i hope that one day she can experience it in person, and maybe even one day be a part of it.
2. made me cry
3. what she doesn’t know is the only reason i was there those friday nights was because she was. I was driving down all the way from burford ontario just to be able to spend some time with her.
4. also made me cry–wolf is a powerful totem, about loyalty & protection–something I will always offer her. i’m glad that even if just subconsciously, she’s aware of it
5. art: my blood lust-passion in life. philanthropy & activism is my purpose, my mystic gifts are just that-a gift and it serves me and others well….but the art–i am thoroughly obsessed with it. Its where I find peace/joy/healing and TOTAL communion-possession by spirits far greater than I! Its one way I go within, its cathartic…its passion…its my life’s passion. When I am able to combine my art, activism/philanthropy, mystic natures into one project–i find bliss in those moments.
how long you’ve done it: in every life i’m sure! lol in this life, i started VERY young and my family gave me a lot of accolades which really stuck in my head. When i was very young my mom also asked me to paint a bunch to frame and hang in the hallway–i got a rush from the process–it never left me & i’ve been chasing that high ever since.
why you started it: My father is a FABULOUS artist, and when i was very little, we would often draw together & he would teach me. First thing he taught me to draw were violets & roses. I wanted to please him, and he was SO talented, i practiced as much as I could to be as good as him. But his drawings were EXACT–a realist, and i didn’t have the concentration or discipline for that. One day, we had an art class (i was 9-a very unhappy time in my life) and we learned about abstract art. how you paint a feeling. you “don’t think, just do” –It was like the whole room disappeared, it was just me, my feelings, the paper/paint. I thought of my family, how i was feeling towards certain members and I painted the whole paper red very violently. i remember that moment VIVIDLY–the release. I thought of things i wished i could scream at the top of my lungs and i took it out on that paper–it was TOTAL release. I felt EXHAUSTED after it was done–but also felt a peace i had never experienced. The teacher took notice of the piece, it won some school competition and got matted & framed & it got to hang somewhere important for a few days/weeks -not even sure how long–don’t even know where, just that it was a big deal for me at the time. It was that experience that affirmed the “i am an artist even if i can’t draw like my dad” but my family ridiculed the thought-as artist was a dangerous pursuit as it didn’t guarantee a salary or benefits!! My father encouraged it only if i used it for profit-even if shady….my integrity wouldn’t allow that, so i kept my art under the pillow, and focused on my writing instead, as THAT for some reason, my family supported. go figure.
Far from my family, at the university of waterloo (studying honours English) i needed to choose an elective. I chose intro to drawing ONLY because there was no exam–i totally wanted a bird course. It was held in the Fine Arts building outside campus–the first moment i stepped foot in the building, i took one whiff of the art studio air and thought “fuck this-fuck EVERYBODY…THIS is where i belong!!!” i went to the registrar and IMMEDIATELY switched majors. I have never looked back.
what you do with it: As often as possible, i use my talent/passion to paint works and do other creative projects in relation to world/societal issues in an attempt to raise awareness & consciousness. Some of my work is sold, some donated, some stacked in my hallway waiting to be sold.
6. made me smile-i didn’t know she looked at my work. I never thought she was interested. because of our distance, i have often wondered what she’s been told about me, or what her perception of me was. I never wanted to put her on the spot, so i never asked. reading this, it made my day!
7. also an answer that warmed my heart. i have had plenty like; Storky, Dharma, Dragon Slayer, Toke-a-hontas, Iron Lung, Italian bread — i’m sure i’m forgetting several. lol
its not about finding myself, its about creating myself
